Faces & Places

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Don’t hate me but I think that men should only be allowed to shop certain hours of the daylike between 12:00 a.m. and 12:30 a.m. with a mandatory trainer so they don’t hurt themselves. They can’t find anything at home so what makes you think they can find anything in the grocery store? The holidays only make it worse.

I’m a little jaded from two bad experiences last Christmas in Wally World. The first was an older man telling me that I was about the size of his wife, and what size pajamas do I wear and what I thought might be appropriate for her. I told him to try using that invention called the telephone and call someone who knows her, like her granny or momma.

The second happened in the women’s bathroom. The person entering the stall to the right of me came in humming a version of Jingle Bells. I could hear plastic bags rustling and the hiss of a zipper. I was getting that gut-feeling we women get sometimes when something just isn’t right. The very nice cowboy boots were pointing East toward the commode. I looked at my shoes and they were pointing West away from the commode. That could only mean one thing: the person next to me in the stall was standing up. You know that experience of laughing so hard that the quieter you try to be, the harder and more you laugh? I wanted to knock on the stall wall and say, “Hey, fella, does your wife know where you are?” I didn’t because I’m a nice person, but instead I knocked on the stall wall and said, “Hello, to the person in the stall next to me. Do you know where you are?” Everything went silent signifying the deerin-the-headlights just came on, followed by the hiss of a zipper and a huge commotion. The door was missing from that stall when I came out.

At Wally World this week, Christmas decorations everywhere, the men looking totally glazed over, disoriented, like they didn’t know whether to spit or wind their watches. For some, it was probably the first time they’ve been in a store all year - if ever.

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